My challenge is my life

I have been extra weary for the last month. My house's cleanliness is directly proportionate to the disobedience of my children. I don't do much around the house during nap time. Pretty much I just sit on the couch. I find it difficult to do much while the kids are awake also. I feel so tired and worn out from the day that I just want to sit.

Am I taking care of myself to take care of my family, being just plan lazy, or something else I can't even name?

I finally got around to reading some of my friends' blogs and am now feeling ashamed at myself.

I feel as though I don't truly appreciate the gift my children are. I am so concerned with them not making messes, not being along, not following the rules, not obeying that I have lost sight of them as little people made in the image of God, deserving my love not my criticism, at all times. I have forgotten or been too frustrated to remember that Elisabeth and Joshua are my special gifts, given only to me and Gary (and when mentioned heretofore as given to me, I mean both of us. Relaying just my feelings, so writing me.) I have not treated them as such. I have wanted to toss questions at God about how could he possibly know what he was doing in giving them to me. I am definitely the wrong person for the job. But I know that God didn't make a mistake and they were meant for me. What am I doing wrong? I must be doing something wrong.

I am tired of being hit, tired of being told "No," tired of hearing "I don't want to." These things generally happen on a daily basis, usually more than once. (Though today, I don't think I was hit.) I am tired.

I don't know how to handle it. I usually do an awful job at it, saying things I want to snatch back. I struggle each day with my response to Ellie's onslaughts. I compare myself to every mother I can think of and know she would do a better job.

In the everyday, I am not always thankful for this challenge of motherhood. I never thought it would be this hard. I want to be thankful, I want to know I can do this. I want to take all the insults and smacks I get from my daughter and just patiently remind her of how she should be behaving. But it doesn't work. I lose my temper, I get angry, I get frustrated.

Part of me wonders if that is why I am not currently pregnant with our third child. I can't handle the ones I have, why would God give me another one? The other part of me knows God is sovereign and knows what he is doing and will give me the strength I need for each day.

God will give me that strength, but do I reach out and accept it? I fear I don't know how.

And now I get to add to my list of woe-is-me, whining about how hard mothering is for me right now. I wish to be able to just accept, but for some reason I haven't been able to. Do I do something for someone not in my family and in so doing realize I really don't have problems? Do I immerse myself in scripture to drink from the truth found there?

What!