A favorite

One of my favorite times with my family is dinner time. We sit around our table and talk. We share stories from our days, play Wiz Kidz, do Bible trivia, say our highs and lows, be goofy together.

Even if we are yelling at each other about getting to the table, or someone’s mad over what’s being served or what we might be doing after dinner, or if someone’s huffy about having to sit at the table at all, or even if we have to eat and run... we still sit together as a family, the four of us.  

And by the end of dinner, most of time, we all have had a wonderful time together. 

Infertile Couple Club

It’s a club in which no one wants to be a part. It brings heartache. Sadness. Sometimes it tears marriage apart. 

And yet that’s where I am. I just thought of that name for it. It’s been on my mind the past several months.  Ever since the disappointment with adopting.  

It’s been on my mind also because I’ve recently heard of a couple who is finally going to have a baby after joining the club and now a second couple might just be joining it. I ache for them. It’s a stinky club to have to join. 

Gary and I have been in it together for almost twenty-one years.

I want them to know they aren’t alone. There are people who understand the feelings that rear their ugly heads when you are in this club. 

But God knows our sorrows and He cares for us.  

 

When you can't

When you can't grow your family on your own, it brings about all sorts of feelings.  And they never go away.  They fade in and out.  A little thing could bring about a well of tears.  

We started on the journey to have children in 2003, and it just recently took a turn towards deep reflection.  

Going into our marriage, we knew we would not be able to grow our family on our own.  We tried artificial insemination once, sadness, but moved onto IVF.  Our two children were conceived together but born two years apart.  Such joy our children brought!  We tried three more times to use our embryos.  One took, but didn't last.  The other two were unsuccessful.  Deep sadness and disappointment.

As a girl, I wanted at least three children.  I grew up in a family with three children.  I always thought I would have several children. 

After several years, knowing we would not try IVF again, we decided we would adopt.  Excitement!  We started the process with Bethany Christian Services.  After we got through all the paperwork, they told us that it would be better for us to work on things with our daughter before we try to adopt.  Great sadness and sorrow.  

Why does God allow us to have dreams, only to tell us no?

Several years later, we decided we were ready to start the adoption process again with Bethany.  We attended the informational meeting and started on the paperwork.  A year and some months later, during our second home study interview, we were told once again that our family was not good enough to adopt.  No, they did not use those words, but that's what I heard; that's how it felt.  

Deep sorrow and sadness again.  And again.  And again.

Gary and I feel like we are done.  We are done trying.  Loud and clear, you don't get to have more kids.  Two is enough for you!

But yet, I still have this hope that one day God might answer that prayer with a YES!  And while I'm waiting, I choose to trust Him.  I know He has the best for us.  I will always look to Him.  He is my strength. 

And if He answers my prayer with no, I will still trust Him, knowing that He has the best in mind for Gary and me.  He is faithful.

Though this latest disappointment with Bethany, I have learned that I have held wanting more children too tightly and too close to the place that God should be in.  I am learning to be content with what I have and not to pine after that which I wish I had. 

It is hard, though. For hearing that someone is expecting or adopting still cuts me.  The wound is there, but it doesn't fell me. I have my God to carry me through all that is hard. 

I choose to focus on Gary and the two precious lives God has given us to raise to adulthood.  That can be enough.

Remembering

Gary was bored during yet another meeting that droned on. And on. So what did he decide to do?  Look up my blog.  And he started reading from the beginning.  Back in 2005.  

And it got me to thinking.  

I wrote on here a lot back then.  He was able to recount myriad things we did.  Vacations we went on, stories about our everyday happenings.

And it got me to thinking.

I stopped writing on here back a quite few years ago.  I felt I just didn't have much to write about or didn't have the time or just didn't take the time.  

And it got me to thinking.

I need to start writing on here again.  I liked that Gary could go back and read about our everyday happenings.  When he gets to 2015, it won't take him long to reach 2020.  

I told myself I was going to start writing on here more while ago.  That didn't happen.   I hope to do better now at writing about the things of our life so that years from now, we can go back and read it. 

Missing

This was actually written January 22, 2019.

My birthday is coming up.  And I'm missing my grandparents.  I'm missing our Arnold family get togethers.  We have had so many gatherings at my grandparents house in Jarrettown or Neshaminy Falls, in Elm Terrace, or my parents' or aunt's houses.

Three is it

So, before 2020, I had had no surgeries.  By the end of 2020, I will have had three.  I guess it's just the kind of year 2020 is going to be.

They are all elective but still sort of important.  For me anyway.  One to repair a deviated septum allowing me to breathe ever so much better.  One to repair a bunion allowing me to walk ever so much better.  And the last one to remove my gallbladder allowing me to digest food ever so much better.  

But I think three is good.  Three is enough. No more, thank you.

The diagnosis leading to the gallbladder discovery is welcomed.  Biliary dyskinesia - poor functioning of the gallbladder.  I have had symptoms for over 14 years.  I have reported my symptoms to several doctors and got the response, "Hmm.  I haven't heard of that before" then going on their merry way not trying to help me.

My GP, Dr. Shearer, at Detweiler Family Medicine listened to me.  She ordered ultrasounds, which came back normal.  She ordered a HIDA scan, which my gallbladder failed.  12% function is not a great amount of function.  The treatment for biliary dyskinesia is a cholecystectomy, (I like using all the medical jargon.)  I am glad to know I have a faulty gallbladder.  I do still wonder if that is the actual reason for my digestive issues, or if there is something more.  So, I will be seeing a gastroenterologist.  In addition, I have an appointment with a surgeon, because regardless if it's my issue or not, my gallbladder has one job to do, and it's not doing it.  So, it's fired and out it comes!

What they don't tell you

When you set out to start raising little people into adults, they talk about the cute little bundle you will bring home from the hospital.  They talk about what kind of diapers to use, cloth or disposable; whether to breastfeed or not; should you wear your baby or use a stroller.  They talk about their first teeth, when they might roll over, when they take their first wobbly steps.

What they don't tell you is that they will tell you how they hate you over and over.  That they say they wish they were never a part of this family.  They don't tell you you will lie in bed crying because of the choices they've made, how their words will be like a knife to your heart.

They don't tell you they will say the most hurtful of things, that they don't care how their actions affect you.  They don't tell you they might only do things if it's in their best interest.  That they will turn their backs on your affection and spurn your offer of help.

What they don't tell you is that through it all you will still love them with the fiercest love.  That you will still put their needs above your own.  What they don't tell you is that you will continue to sacrifice for them through the stormiest of attitudes and thickest of negative behaviors.  That you will continue to cry for them when they hurt and heal them as best you can.

What they don't tell you is that you will continue to teach them right from wrong, that they could never do anything to loose your love. 

Sleeping

For a while now, probably over a year, I have been waking up between 5:30 and 6:30.  Not everyday, but more days than I'd like.  Enough days that I wonder if I even need an alarm to make sure I awaken before my get up time of 7:00.  Is anybody else with me, that waking before your desired waking time is unacceptable, even if it's three minutes?

It's been driving me crazy!  I dislike it greatly.  It stinks.

I think the main culprit is the light coming in our window.  We have blinds on our windows and slant them down at night, which, of course, directs the light right at my face.  When I remember, I slant them up when we go to bed.  Take a guess at how often I remember to do that?  I don't slant them up right away, because I have this fear that people down on the street driving by at the posted 25 mph or the droves walking by or those living in the building across the street can see in.  I have actually gone outside at night to see if you can see in with them slanted up.  You can't, but how often does rational override fear?  You'd think with my ire of having light in my face while sleeping, I'd remember more.  But sadly, it just isn't so.

We could get black out curtains.  We aren't really interested in curtains, though.  We like the simplistic look of plain white two inch blinds at the windows.

What else?  Just move our bed, you're thinking.  We've been thinking that, too.  Except it isn't like moving doll house furniture, you know.  Besides the bed, we have to move a desk, a barrel back chair, two night stands (one of which might not fit in the room with a new furniture configuration,) a dresser, a small bookshelf, plus vacuuming behind said furniture once it's moved.  A real undertaking.  I am interested in moving our room around just to have a change too.  We just haven't figured out how to rearrange everything and then set aside the time to do it.

So, currently my solution is go to bed, hoping I sleep past 7:00 (since it's still summer that is possible.  Come work days, that plan is out the window.)  A winner of a plan, so far.  When I wake up too early, (and let's face it, it's a "when" not an "if") I put on my eye blinders, fluff my pillow and snuggle back down to get some more sleep.  At this point, I also have to not move to too much to fool my bladder that I'm not actually awake, lest it decides it needs emptying, before trying for more sleep.

Oh yes, I also have to not think too much.  If my brain gets started motoring, my sleep is blown and all I can hope for is to lie in bed wishing for more sleep, not getting it, while thinking about everything under the sun and wondering how long I can stay put before my bladder drives me scurrying down the hall for relief.