A favorite

One of my favorite times with my family is dinner time. We sit around our table and talk. We share stories from our days, play Wiz Kidz, do Bible trivia, say our highs and lows, be goofy together.

Even if we are yelling at each other about getting to the table, or someone’s mad over what’s being served or what we might be doing after dinner, or if someone’s huffy about having to sit at the table at all, or even if we have to eat and run... we still sit together as a family, the four of us.  

And by the end of dinner, most of time, we all have had a wonderful time together. 

Infertile Couple Club

It’s a club in which no one wants to be a part. It brings heartache. Sadness. Sometimes it tears marriage apart. 

And yet that’s where I am. I just thought of that name for it. It’s been on my mind the past several months.  Ever since the disappointment with adopting.  

It’s been on my mind also because I’ve recently heard of a couple who is finally going to have a baby after joining the club and now a second couple might just be joining it. I ache for them. It’s a stinky club to have to join. 

Gary and I have been in it together for almost twenty-one years.

I want them to know they aren’t alone. There are people who understand the feelings that rear their ugly heads when you are in this club. 

But God knows our sorrows and He cares for us.  

 

When you can't

When you can't grow your family on your own, it brings about all sorts of feelings.  And they never go away.  They fade in and out.  A little thing could bring about a well of tears.  

We started on the journey to have children in 2003, and it just recently took a turn towards deep reflection.  

Going into our marriage, we knew we would not be able to grow our family on our own.  We tried artificial insemination once, sadness, but moved onto IVF.  Our two children were conceived together but born two years apart.  Such joy our children brought!  We tried three more times to use our embryos.  One took, but didn't last.  The other two were unsuccessful.  Deep sadness and disappointment.

As a girl, I wanted at least three children.  I grew up in a family with three children.  I always thought I would have several children. 

After several years, knowing we would not try IVF again, we decided we would adopt.  Excitement!  We started the process with Bethany Christian Services.  After we got through all the paperwork, they told us that it would be better for us to work on things with our daughter before we try to adopt.  Great sadness and sorrow.  

Why does God allow us to have dreams, only to tell us no?

Several years later, we decided we were ready to start the adoption process again with Bethany.  We attended the informational meeting and started on the paperwork.  A year and some months later, during our second home study interview, we were told once again that our family was not good enough to adopt.  No, they did not use those words, but that's what I heard; that's how it felt.  

Deep sorrow and sadness again.  And again.  And again.

Gary and I feel like we are done.  We are done trying.  Loud and clear, you don't get to have more kids.  Two is enough for you!

But yet, I still have this hope that one day God might answer that prayer with a YES!  And while I'm waiting, I choose to trust Him.  I know He has the best for us.  I will always look to Him.  He is my strength. 

And if He answers my prayer with no, I will still trust Him, knowing that He has the best in mind for Gary and me.  He is faithful.

Though this latest disappointment with Bethany, I have learned that I have held wanting more children too tightly and too close to the place that God should be in.  I am learning to be content with what I have and not to pine after that which I wish I had. 

It is hard, though. For hearing that someone is expecting or adopting still cuts me.  The wound is there, but it doesn't fell me. I have my God to carry me through all that is hard. 

I choose to focus on Gary and the two precious lives God has given us to raise to adulthood.  That can be enough.

Remembering

Gary was bored during yet another meeting that droned on. And on. So what did he decide to do?  Look up my blog.  And he started reading from the beginning.  Back in 2005.  

And it got me to thinking.  

I wrote on here a lot back then.  He was able to recount myriad things we did.  Vacations we went on, stories about our everyday happenings.

And it got me to thinking.

I stopped writing on here back a quite few years ago.  I felt I just didn't have much to write about or didn't have the time or just didn't take the time.  

And it got me to thinking.

I need to start writing on here again.  I liked that Gary could go back and read about our everyday happenings.  When he gets to 2015, it won't take him long to reach 2020.  

I told myself I was going to start writing on here more while ago.  That didn't happen.   I hope to do better now at writing about the things of our life so that years from now, we can go back and read it.