When you can't

When you can't grow your family on your own, it brings about all sorts of feelings.  And they never go away.  They fade in and out.  A little thing could bring about a well of tears.  

We started on the journey to have children in 2003, and it just recently took a turn towards deep reflection.  

Going into our marriage, we knew we would not be able to grow our family on our own.  We tried artificial insemination once, sadness, but moved onto IVF.  Our two children were conceived together but born two years apart.  Such joy our children brought!  We tried three more times to use our embryos.  One took, but didn't last.  The other two were unsuccessful.  Deep sadness and disappointment.

As a girl, I wanted at least three children.  I grew up in a family with three children.  I always thought I would have several children. 

After several years, knowing we would not try IVF again, we decided we would adopt.  Excitement!  We started the process with Bethany Christian Services.  After we got through all the paperwork, they told us that it would be better for us to work on things with our daughter before we try to adopt.  Great sadness and sorrow.  

Why does God allow us to have dreams, only to tell us no?

Several years later, we decided we were ready to start the adoption process again with Bethany.  We attended the informational meeting and started on the paperwork.  A year and some months later, during our second home study interview, we were told once again that our family was not good enough to adopt.  No, they did not use those words, but that's what I heard; that's how it felt.  

Deep sorrow and sadness again.  And again.  And again.

Gary and I feel like we are done.  We are done trying.  Loud and clear, you don't get to have more kids.  Two is enough for you!

But yet, I still have this hope that one day God might answer that prayer with a YES!  And while I'm waiting, I choose to trust Him.  I know He has the best for us.  I will always look to Him.  He is my strength. 

And if He answers my prayer with no, I will still trust Him, knowing that He has the best in mind for Gary and me.  He is faithful.

Though this latest disappointment with Bethany, I have learned that I have held wanting more children too tightly and too close to the place that God should be in.  I am learning to be content with what I have and not to pine after that which I wish I had. 

It is hard, though. For hearing that someone is expecting or adopting still cuts me.  The wound is there, but it doesn't fell me. I have my God to carry me through all that is hard. 

I choose to focus on Gary and the two precious lives God has given us to raise to adulthood.  That can be enough.